A Year and Some 50 Books Later

I can daresay that it felt like a new year. Goals have changed, priorities were rearranged, relationships are strengthened while new ones are formed and the career was rebuilt.

From my last post, I did go home to Davao and stayed there until January of this year. While there, I managed to finish the task I set out to do for the family. I also read some books, saw some movies, drove some trucks (sedans are no good in our part of the country), shot some guns, attended weddings of friends and baptisms of my friends' kids, bonded with my nieces and a nephew and even played "mother" to a niece whose "ate" left because she got pregnant. So much has happened in my personal life which greatly impacted my professional life. 

my babies: (L-R) Cleo, Yo, Jaimee, Ayesh

Team Davao Oriental (rifle category)

burn from an empty shell caught in my eyeglasses right after it was expelled from the muzzle

At a Mitzi's wedding

Some of the guns I practiced on (I'm a pistol shooter but surprisingly, archery principles apply in rifle shooting0

Back then, I merely dabbled, not fully practiced my profession. I accepted some pro bono cases, gave out legal advice to people who sought it, and extended assistance by way of referring them to experts (especially correction of entries in the birth certificate). 

On the whole, I never regretted having slowed down in this highly stressful profession. It only made me realize what is it that I don't want out of life, and worked out my wants from there. The time made me more appreciative of what I have, but also gave me the capacity to let go of what (or who) I don't need in this life. That span of time was really a lightbulb moment for me. 

The greatest birthday gift I gave myself was moving on from associate to advocate. At the moment, I am part of a team of young idealistic Filipinos working towards making the country healthier in reaffirmation of the right of everyone to the enjoyment  of the highest attainable standard of physical and mental health. 

boredom

is fast catching up on me. even the books totally unrelated to the study of law fail to hold my attention (but that may also be because i have the attention span of a goldfish). juggling between books, TV and movies, i still find myself with time on my hands and nothing to do.

what i'd really like to do is ride the bike (but in a place like here, where can i possibly go?). i'd also love to go running (again, i don't have a place in mind where i can possibly do that). i'd love to try my hand at baking, but i fear that i'd be wasting all those precious bensdorp :) (maybe i should consult Nanay and her books, eh?). it wouldn't hurt if there is a day job to preoccupy me too. i just haven't decided yet whether it would be a good idea to get a headstart at a law firm while being an underbar or should i take a job totally unrelated to the study of law in the meantime? it doesn't help that there's no lawyer yet in the family, tch. i really need some advice, as in.

in the meantime, i'm so grateful Ayesha is here, amusing and entertaining as can be. with her, there surely is no dull moment.

an ode to everybody who has been hurt and is hurting

R.E.M.'s Everybody Hurts

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on

'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. You are not alone


recently, i have been hurt about certain things which are beyond my power to undo or change..

in those times, i have never felt more human.. but i pray that such times will occur less frequently than recently..

i know now that i am so moving on and i'm ready to take on the world because after all, everything in the world is mine to enjoy :)

all in one day

i met up with two sets of three women last 4th of june..

the first set was composed of women who are linked to men in uniform at present and in the past. i don't have a picture of us four, but it's posted in Soloops' multiply account.

the lunch date proved to be too short for sharing each other's life stories... but we said we'd see each other sometime in the future :)

come dinnertime, i also had a meeting with three of my closest gal pals back in college. it has been 4 years since we last saw each other but we didn't change much, except our ages hehe (lucky, i'm the youngest among us four).


i guess girls will be girls and we need our gal pals to remind us of how our quirks can drive men nuts. sex and the city the movie could not have been more timely..though my friends opted to wait for the DVD copy, i think the wait is worth it. the movie is replete with cuts which aren't even done in a manner that would guarantee continuity of the story's flow (ipilit ba kasing PG13 ang rating).

the QLC

the other day, my college buddy and i caught up on each other's lives. she remarked how low she has been feeling, not only lately but most times. i cannot help but relate and identify with her. i too have been feeling that same kind of low, and at this point in our lives when we are supposed to be at our peak.

we both attributed this feeling to QLC or more commonly known as quarterlife crisis. according to wikipedia, characteristics of quarter-life crisis may include:

• feeling "not good enough" because one can't find a job that is at one's academic/intellectual level
• frustration with relationships, the working world, and finding a suitable job or career
• confusion of identity
• insecurity regarding the near future
• insecurity concerning long-term plans, life goals
• insecurity regarding present accomplishments
• re-evaluation of close interpersonal relationships
• disappointment with one's job
• nostalgia for university, college, high school or elementary school life
• tendency to hold stronger opinions
• boredom with social interactions
• loss of closeness to high school and college friends
• financially-rooted stress (overwhelming college loans, unanticipatedly high cost of living, etc.)
• loneliness
• desire to have children
• a sense that everyone is, somehow, doing better than you.

So, we talked about it until there is nothing left to say and we were both left with a resigned feeling that indeed, growing up is a shitty thing. i can only commiserate and empathize with her on that matter because i too have known and felt how shitty growing up can get.

hay.. gone are the days when we could just be students and think grand thoughts about how best to contribute to make this place a better place to live in and ponder on that overarching theory which would bridge the natural sciences, the social sciences and religion into one.

in a year or so (hopefully, i am so crossing my fingers), i am leaving yet another comfort zone. i ought to be prepared, but how?

we can only pray to God every single day to keep our wits about us and that we may be possessed of courage to go on living even when to live is to be marked...to change, to die one hundred deaths (The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver).

happy easter

today's easter sunday also happened to be the date wherein a month more means our fourth year.

easter sunday is a time for rejoicing at Christ's resurrection from the dead, and yet i feel so unalive.

easter sunday is all about easter bunnies, easter eggs and hunting them and yet, here i am, preoccupying myself with the so-called "matters of consequence" and reading page after page of this horrible book entitled "The Corporation Code of the Philippines: Annotated."

easter sunday is supposed to be happy, why else do we get messages on our phones or through e-mails wishing each one a "Happy Easter!," and yet i feel so gloomy.

maybe my penance took away all the happiness and jubilation that easter is supposed to bring.

and i thought that spending holy week alone is already the penultimate penance. i was proved wrong when my penance became coming home only to find out that when i am in the company of a certain someone whose mere presence grosses me out (in a moral sense) is just too much to bear. hay.. Lord, when can i have that confrontation? :(

plus, the fact that naudlot na naman po ang bakasyon ng isang taong gustong-gusto ko makasama even if for an hour.

so much for my dour holy week, HAPPY (for you all) EASTER!

being apart

we've been apart for a good two months now running on three. i have been very hopeful that he could make it here for the holy week. however, circumstances militate against our desire to be together. i cannot, for the life of me remember how i had lasted 16 weeks and 2 days without seeing and being with him (way back in 2006).

i can honestly say it's okay..but somehow, a pinch of pain is hinting at me especially since he disclosed his plans of going home to laguna come wednesday this week :(

what am i to do? i am JUST a girlfriend. i have and lay no claim to him EXCEPT my love, which by the way, is not even quantifiable and is intangible as ever. i am but at the last rung of stairs in terms of priority, if not close to the last. oh well, just realities of a life i have chose to live. i'm not complaining, i'm just sad that such is the state of my life (love life, that is).

sige lang..babawi ka siguro sa April. sana naman. by then, we'll be celebrating our 4th anniversary as a couple, however out of this world and beyond normal our relationship is. as they say, our love shouldn't be defined by and confined to conventions.

i guess i am left with a week to finish up the coverage for corpo's second exam.

i just pray that one day, things will fall into place, that the distance will render us stronger and not corrupt us and rob us of that special bond we share. separation anxieties are a given but i hope to get through them with a breeze the next time.

i cannot wait to see you. thank God april is just two weeks away.

remind me

1. that i am still alive and kicking
2. that i still have a lot of things to do - foremost among the list is to study for the finals
3. that i cannot change things which are beyond my power to control, to rectify and to eradicate
4. that i can only work with what i have
5. that i should not rely on other people to provide for me except for the people who are really under a legal and moral obligation to support me
6. that i cannot change reality, only my attitude towards it
7. that i am just human
8. that i should just LET GO and LET GOD because it would be so assuming of me to try to resolve something as big as this
9. that i still should be grateful because everyday is a blessing
10. that i have more people who really care - thank you bylog
11. that there are still things which i can do and i should just focus more on that
12. that there really is a TIME FOR EVERYTHING