A Year and Some 50 Books Later

I can daresay that it felt like a new year. Goals have changed, priorities were rearranged, relationships are strengthened while new ones are formed and the career was rebuilt.

From my last post, I did go home to Davao and stayed there until January of this year. While there, I managed to finish the task I set out to do for the family. I also read some books, saw some movies, drove some trucks (sedans are no good in our part of the country), shot some guns, attended weddings of friends and baptisms of my friends' kids, bonded with my nieces and a nephew and even played "mother" to a niece whose "ate" left because she got pregnant. So much has happened in my personal life which greatly impacted my professional life. 

my babies: (L-R) Cleo, Yo, Jaimee, Ayesh

Team Davao Oriental (rifle category)

burn from an empty shell caught in my eyeglasses right after it was expelled from the muzzle

At a Mitzi's wedding

Some of the guns I practiced on (I'm a pistol shooter but surprisingly, archery principles apply in rifle shooting0

Back then, I merely dabbled, not fully practiced my profession. I accepted some pro bono cases, gave out legal advice to people who sought it, and extended assistance by way of referring them to experts (especially correction of entries in the birth certificate). 

On the whole, I never regretted having slowed down in this highly stressful profession. It only made me realize what is it that I don't want out of life, and worked out my wants from there. The time made me more appreciative of what I have, but also gave me the capacity to let go of what (or who) I don't need in this life. That span of time was really a lightbulb moment for me. 

The greatest birthday gift I gave myself was moving on from associate to advocate. At the moment, I am part of a team of young idealistic Filipinos working towards making the country healthier in reaffirmation of the right of everyone to the enjoyment  of the highest attainable standard of physical and mental health. 

an ode to everybody who has been hurt and is hurting

R.E.M.'s Everybody Hurts

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on

'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. You are not alone


recently, i have been hurt about certain things which are beyond my power to undo or change..

in those times, i have never felt more human.. but i pray that such times will occur less frequently than recently..

i know now that i am so moving on and i'm ready to take on the world because after all, everything in the world is mine to enjoy :)

happy easter

today's easter sunday also happened to be the date wherein a month more means our fourth year.

easter sunday is a time for rejoicing at Christ's resurrection from the dead, and yet i feel so unalive.

easter sunday is all about easter bunnies, easter eggs and hunting them and yet, here i am, preoccupying myself with the so-called "matters of consequence" and reading page after page of this horrible book entitled "The Corporation Code of the Philippines: Annotated."

easter sunday is supposed to be happy, why else do we get messages on our phones or through e-mails wishing each one a "Happy Easter!," and yet i feel so gloomy.

maybe my penance took away all the happiness and jubilation that easter is supposed to bring.

and i thought that spending holy week alone is already the penultimate penance. i was proved wrong when my penance became coming home only to find out that when i am in the company of a certain someone whose mere presence grosses me out (in a moral sense) is just too much to bear. hay.. Lord, when can i have that confrontation? :(

plus, the fact that naudlot na naman po ang bakasyon ng isang taong gustong-gusto ko makasama even if for an hour.

so much for my dour holy week, HAPPY (for you all) EASTER!

thank God

yo's fever has subsided and the same goes for the tonsilitis. he is now busy playing street hockey, riding his bike which he wants to dispose of so he could get a bigger bike and just being his usual mischievous self.

thank God and thank you all for the prayers.

happy birthday Dada!

Dada is Yo's biological father but unfortunately for him, Yo refuses to claim Dada as his father. hehe.

anyway, happy nth birthday to you! (wala naka sa kalendaryo Da)

i know you are as immature as can be, but i believe you try to be a good father. i know you are immobilized by past failures and of course, undying destructive criticisms by no less than the family. anyhow, i hope you'll get past all of that. after all, the kids are growing up, and fast. so you'd better mend your ways lest your kids find it apt to walk after your footsteps and their mother's too. patay jud mo sa sakit sa ulo, considering unsa mo ka kolokoy ni ate my! hehe.

so, happy birthday!

please pray for Yo

after the laboratory tests earlier today, Yo went to see his pedia. his fever had been on for five straight days and would let up for a second or so but in the next instant, he would be feverish.

the pedia then examined his throat. his tonsils are swollen. this should have been, at all cost prevented because this is the foremost symptom of Rheumatic Heart Disease (RHD). consideirng his current health condition (he's still has daily dosage of aspirin for 3 months), if his tonsils are still swollen two days from now, Yo would have to be confined and things could get serious. hay..

dear Lord, Yo will be celebrating his 5th birthday on the 27th. we implore and beseech you to protect him from the dangers that his health condition brings. we hope and pray that he will not be brought to the hospital again for confinement. we hope and fervently pray that you will save him from having to be on antibiotics for the rest of his life. we pray dear God that you will grant him good health because he is Your own gift to my family. without him, i know for certain that family ties won't be as strong. dear Lord, please hear our prayers.

recreational sunday

yesterday, after waking up late at around half past ten in the morning, i have already laid my plans for the day.

first would be brunch,, after all, 10:30AM na.

next, the mandatory general cleaning to clear the dust that has accumulated over the week. otherwise, i would be besieged by sneezing fits and the allergic rhinitis would be triggered. di na naman kasi napadala ni ate ang sinasabi kong nasal spray e.

next, of course is the weekend washing of accumulated laundry. hindi lang nitong week, pati pa ung last week. haha.

in the midst of wringing my clothes, my brother and sister-in-law with the nieces arrived. they have just attended a children's party, which ironically only 5 kids as guests and the rest were grown ups. since they have forgotten to tag me along (i don't know if it was deliberately done or they were just so considerate knowing that i have tons to study). anyhow, to appease me, they tagged me along to watch a movie, The Spiderwick Chronicles. since i was with my nieces, we were all wary of goblins and other magical creatures after having watched the movie to the extent of buying happy meal with toys featuring the magical creatures from the movie as well as a monocle of some sorts which allows one to see them magical creatures. hehe, feeling bata rin ako.

i just love the feeling when i'm around kids, especially the nephew (my half-man) and the nieces. therapeutic talaga and rejuvenating.

by the way, the boyfriend's aunt just gave birth to a girl. since his aunt already had 2 boys who were left in the care of their tito whom they idolize so much that they also want to be soldiers when they grow up, was truly elated. congratulations tita and tito! :)

when we got home, the two girls started pulling out my coloring books (i have these at home not for them but for myself, hehe, but they usually use up all the pages so parang kanila na rin) as well as the colored pencils, highlighters, and what have you. after which, i paste their doodles on my wall. just so i have something to look at when i need inspiration.

sadly, they cannot stay a week because the girls still have classes. so, at around 4AM this morning, they went off in time to catch the school's flag ceremonies at 7AM.

when they left, i couldn't go back to sleep. i instead opted to finish a book i have long ago started reading but never had the time to finish. when i finished the 231-paged book, i was left wanting to read more. Margaret Atwood's Surfacing is disturbing in its accuracy and bluntness at depicting the twenty-first century human being. it sent shivers down my spine. so i wanted to cap the reading with a lighter one. since i haven't finished reading HP7, the paper book edition (i have already read the e-book version), i continued reading it from where i left off. since the book is s heavy and requires me to sit down to read it, i gave up and had some sleep.

what a happy sunday!

keeping in touch with my journal

for the past days, i have been writing on my journal (the traditional one). i just felt lately that i have emotions which i cannot even express here. not that i fear being vulnerable. i just don't want to sound and look like as if i write for telenovelas. nah ah.

all i can say at the moment is that, growing up is such a shitty thing and reality really bites, i think chunks of my flesh are still stuck on its teeth. hay..


______________________________________________

i really don't need to say more,
the label says it all...

nanay and yo's homecoming

yep, the little tyke will be arriving later tonight at around 30 minutes past eight o'clock from his almost month-long hiatus in manila.

but before his homecoming, he went through the check ups for making sure that he's heart is healthy, we all were saddened by the news that there are still traces of that dilation in his heart arteries. for that, he is to be on aspirin daily for a three-month period. after which, he will have to undergo another series of tests to check how the meds are taking effect.

well, this still could not mar what to my mind is Yo's manila adventure. after all, he was able to see and experience a lot of things. for instance, subic's zoobic where they spent a day touring the man-made menagerie. browse the pictures at mia lim's page.

to top it all, Yo even tried so hard to speak in Tagalog. i could not even make him converse with Tito Angelo in Tagalog, but for manila, he really did practice the few Tagalog words he knows. hehe. i even dared him to speak with Tito Angelo on the phone and he readily answered me with a confident, "Yeah." however, Tito Angelo's busy schedule did not permit them to arrange for a date of some sorts. sayang, bagong sumbungan pa naman ni Yo si Tito Angelo. lagi sinasabi ng bata sa mga umaaway sa kanya na, "lagot kayo ke Tito Angelo. me bangbang siya na kasing laki ko ang bala." what is amazing is that, it has been a year since he saw that thingy (bangbang) and he remembers it to this day.

i am most touched at Yo's constant queries of what i want as pasalubong knowing that their homecoming is on the eve of my birthday. he really is a thoughtful kid. i miss him so and i am excited to see them later.

thanks Nanay and Yo for coming home in time for my birthday. it is enough that my half-man (Yo) will be with me tomorrow especially since my man cannot be here.

a prayer

dear Lord,

i am most thankful for hearing our prayers to have my nephew cleared from Kawasaki disease.

however, we have been apprised by the pediatrician that we cannot yet lay our worries about my nephew's health to rest. my nephew should be made to undergo tests (just to be on the safe side) to determine whether or not he has a Rheumatic Heart Disease (RHD). for details, see American Heart Association's FAQs

we implore Your kindness and mercy oh Lord to spare my nephew from a lifetime of antibiotics. he is such an adorable kid and a thoughtful one at that, with the occasional naughtiness that is characteristic of a boy his age.

dear Lord, we hope that You would bless my nephew and give him good health.

this we ask, in the name of Jesus Christ Your son. Amen.

humbled by KAWASAKI

zjust last week, my little man (the adorable nephew) was rushed to the hospital after about 5 days of being down with fever and swollen tonsils to the extent that he refuses to take in solids. when he got to the hospital, he was made to undergo several tests. after such tests, his doctor came up with the findings that my smart aleck nephew is afflicted with the so-called kawasaki disease. although we have heard about it and the myth that such a disease is acquired from buying ukay-ukay, we have so much to learn about the disease especially since that is what my nephew has.

so, what is kawasaki?
according to my internist sister and my nephew's doctor, kawasaki disease is an ailment which mostly afflicts yougster below 6 years old who are mostly boys (my nephew is 4 years old). the symptoms are:

1. High-grade fever (greater than 39 °C or 102 °F; often as high as 40 °C or 104 °F) that normally lasts for more than a week if left untreated.
2. Red eyes (conjunctivitis) without pus or drainage, also known as "conjunctival injection"
   Bright red, chapped, or cracked lips
3. Red mucous membranes in the mouth
4. Strawberry tongue, white coating on the tongue or prominent red bumps (papillae) on the back of the tongue
5. Red palms of the hands and the soles of the feet
6. Swollen hands and feet
7. Rash which may take many forms, but not vesicular (blister-like), on the trunk
8. Swollen lymph nodes (frequently only one lymph node is swollen), particularly in the neck area
9. Joint pain (arthralgia) and swelling, frequently symmetrical
10. Irritability
11. Tachycardia (rapid heart beat)
12. Peeling (desquamation) palms and soles (later in the illness); peeling may begin around the nails (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kawasaki_disease)

of these symptoms, my nephew manifested symptoms number 1, 2, 4, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, and 11. other symptoms not mentioned above is the high count of white blood cells (WBC) and the high level of pus found in urine which is seemingly a urinary tract infection (UTI). these symptoms were also manifested by my nephew.

after the disclosure of the doctor's findings, we were apprised of the possible consequences, of the medication which should be administered as well as the cost. at that time, the money was no longer a question because we would have moved heaven and earth, if need be, to save my nephew.

according to his pediatrician, had the disease been detected outside the period of 10 days from the time he had fever, it would have been fatal. because the disease primarily has cardiac complications. in some, only one artery of the heart is dilated but in my nephew's case, both arteries are dialted. what is crucial about the ten-day period is that, if the medication (a.k.a. wonder drug - IVIg intravenous immuno-globulin) is not given within that period, the chances that the arteries will rupture is big and that is FATAL. luckily, my nephew was given the drug on the 7th day. indeed, the effects of the drug are miraculous. it was as if the symptoms were slowly eradicated. one by one, the physical manifestations of the disease were replaced with the normal, healthy appearance of my nephew.

in all those days that we spent at the hospital, i could say that it is so hard to see and hear a 5-year old yelp, wail and scream in pain. i would give everything just so i could be the one inflicted with the pain. it was a good thing we always remind my intrepid nephew at how we would have all of the nurses and medical staff be chastised and reprimanded by my father. haha, lolo's boy kasi. i mean, after all, he wants to be adopted by his lolo and be our youngest sibling.

hay.. THANK YOU LORD. You have and still are good to us. we continue to ask for your guidance so that in the days to come, my nephew's arteries will be normal and will not dilate anymore.

indeed, we have spent much for his treatment but money is just money. it can still be earned. but my nephew, he is just the only one and he means the world to us.

problems

just when i thought that everything was going smoothly, not only in school but also at home, i was utterly flabbergasted. another bombshell is dropped. i cannot for the life of me fathom how something like that could happen. could it be stupidity? or curiosity? or simply ignorance of the consequences? or plain immaturity? i will spare this blog of the sordid details because it's not worth blogging about.

hay... i am so tired of owning up the responsibilities of other people. why don't i make mistakes myself so that i end up learning from my own mistakes and not merely learn from others? whaa! i am emotionally drained and i cannot help but feel a twinge of guilt at these thoughts.

anyway, we have got to learn how to let go and not be uptight with ourselves for mistakes committed by others who are supposed to be "grown-ups." after all, they are presumed to know what they have done, do, and will be doing, unless they are shown to have infirmities. they do have their lives to live and i have my own life to live. i just cannot help but be affeceted at the way they throw their lives to waste and how they waste opportunities that come their way. way too sayang!

but, what's done is done and bygones should definitely be bygones. welcome to the real world!

my kuya and my ate

i come from a brood of eight. i have 3 sisters and 4 brothers. among my siblings, i relate well to my second sister and third brother. why? because they both have easy laughs even when their lives are not at all perfect. they are the ones who are smart enough to know that something or some act which can hurt is wrong. the reason that they know this is because, they have come to learn through their own experiences. i have witnessed how my parents would have rising blood temperatures over their actions/wrongdoings. but now, as time went by, they have been shaped by their experiences and i could truly say that i am proud and so happy to be related to them.

the past months have been very trying and taxing on our family. we were aghast at the idea that one who talks the talk was never able to walk the talk. it was disconcerting considering how much respect that person commands from us. well, we can never truly understand why people do what they do but at least, they should have the decency to stop talking the talk if they have no plans of walking the talk.

well, i do not know if we are already past that family problem. as for me, the emotions are still raw and fresh. just the thought of it never fails to bring tears to my eyes. from time to time, my ate and my kuya have been my shock absorber. they both would comfort me because they knew how affected i was considering the degree of closeness i had with that person. i know that when i am not preoccupied with other things, i will sit down on this one just so i could get a better hold on what happened. see, i cannot even reveal what transpired because i am still affected by it. i can only let go of the hurt if i can already purge it out of my system, which i do not have the time for yet.

at this time, i am ok. i draw strength from the people i love. my ate and kuya are there when i need someone to listen to my deep seated anger, frustrations, and pain. my boyfriend has shown me great love, understanding and support. for now, that is all i need. i could go through life knowing that that person had his own reasons for doing what he did. what i condemn about what he did, was the fact that there was no consideration at all for those who would be hurt and that there was never any showing of remonstration. as a matter of fact, that person invoked a litany of scenarios depicting the same mistake that the person did and in doing so, intended to effect what to that person is an apology, but to my mind is but the lamest excuse i have ever come across.

well, as i have said before, i will get to the eventually part. by then, i would be more sure that i had no part nor am i the cause for that person to do the mistake. what that person did was for that person's account. i take no credit for that, nor should the other members of the family.