tingling sensation

i have felt more or less okay for the past 3 months or so. i know i have to wait awhile still, and although patience is not my virtue, waiting is one thing i've become good at. but even so, this cannot eradicate the tingling sensation at the back of my spine. i still have qualms, to this day, as to how i'd fare in the bar exams. i have just pushed it far back from my mind and intended for it to stay that way until the results are out.

but i couldn't help it. i guess i never will shed this insecurity of mine. having been expected to shine in the academics, i opted for a different kind of achievement. in my elementary years, i'd rather be not bothered by the grades the teachers gave. in high school, i remained pretty much the same way. until college came, and it hit me, how early i've come to realize that grades are at most arbitrary and will never be an accurate measure of how much one knows. i mean, information, especially at this day and age is readily available at the click of an enter button after keying in word/s and phrases in Google's search engine. to me, at least, colllege was such a liberating experience. the need to be pedantic in elementary and high school left me wanting to prolong my college life. haha, MRR then was still at 8 years (16 semesters).

i wonder though, would i be better off if i could just have given my teachers what they wanted instead of letting them on what's brewing in my mind? would high grades necessarily translate to confidence? i can only wonder.

but as cold comfort, i knew in my heart and in the assessment i made following the exams, that i did give it my all. knowing it's out of my hands, i better hold these qualms in check and keep the faith. even if i have to remind myself of this everyday, if it will keep me sane, then i will.