in memory of my brother

today, 1st of August is the day my brother came into existence some thirty-five years ago. i commemmorate his birth day today because he cannot and he never will.

11 january 1999
was the exact date of his death. he was diagnosed with colon cancer back in march 1998. his was the type of cancer cells which would be wiped out at one time by chemotherapy but they would grow back the next time around and at such time, they would be more aggressive. we cannot help but be a witness to the suffering that he endured in the months that followed his diagnosis. i for one was so much affected because, among all my brothers, he was the sweetest in his own unique way.

i am not the most sad because of his affliction. there was another person. that person happened to be his girlfriend. he was his girlfriend's first boyfriend. so, you could just imagine her devastation and heartache to see the physical anguish that my brother has to go through. but, despite her frail exterior, she showed a strength of character which i could never explain how and where she got it. but she exuded strength even when she was crumbling inside.

i am writing about my brother now because it has been eight years since his death. i could say that fate was hard on him. he was at the peak of his career and he had a relationship with a wonderful woman and suddenly, he is taken away on the blink of an eye. i don't know if i could ever see him again. it is a strange feeling to have, that when a dead person is not related to you or is remotely related to you, you get scared by the thought that he/she is watching over you. as for me, i would be comforted to know that my brother is watching over me.

i just felt this longing to speak to him and ask him how he has been since his death and what he has been doing ever since he died and where does he stay and does he have company at all.. these are questions i long to ask.

it is not so true that TIME HEALS EVERYTHING. it is only with one's full acceptance of the reality can there be a true healing. as for me, i have accepted the reality long ago, but i could not say that i have fully come to terms with it. that is the difficult part.